Rock of Ages

Did you notice the tagline? "Nothin' but a good time?" 


Truer words have never been spoken. Rock of Ages absolutely blew me out of the water. 

Could Julianne Hough get any prettier? I mean seriously.

Am I a big musical fan? Well honestly I cant say that I have ever NOT enjoyed one. But that's because the only musicals I have seen are basically Grease and Mamma Mia, both of which I was entertained by. After Rock of Ages? I freakin love em. When I first saw previews for the film, I thought to myself, "Hey, this movie will have some good music and some attractive women. I should probably check it out when it releases." Then as the reviews started rolling in and critics started blasting it, my expectations lowered significantly. They called it "campy" and "over the top" but not in a good way. They claimed that it disrespected the source material. And once again I tell you: CRITICS ARE ABSOLUTE MORONS. They wouldn't know a good time if it slapped them in the face. Sure, they can pick up on metaphors and symbolism that the average person cant, they can critique an actor or actress's performance, and they can spot plot holes from a million miles away. But they cannot just sit back, relax, and enjoy some good music worth a damn. If you decided not to see this movie because of critic reviews, I urge to reconsider. 

Did anyone know that Malin Akerman was this
gorgeous? Seriously. Too much prettyness
in this movie...

Since the plot of Rock of Ages doesnt really matter, I will spare you the details. It's basically a girl-travels-to-a-big-city-with-dreams-and-meets-a-boy type of story line. What you should know about Rock of Ages is that it is phenomenally cast. I would even go so far as to say that a few of the choices are brilliant. Julianne Hough is becoming quite the leading lady in Hollywood and for good reasons. She is talented like nothing else and my dear, sweet, Lord is she pretty. I couldnt even concentrate half of the time she was in the frame because I was in awe. And then you have the newcomer, Diego Boneta, who despite his awkward stare in the poster at the top of this page, is very natural and has great chemistry with Hough. Also a very talented guy. And then there is just a ridiculous supporting cast. Alec Baldwin plays the club owner perfectly, albeit some of his singing is a little awkward/bad (think Pierce Brosnan in Mamma Mia). And Russel Brand, who I usually dislike, does well here as the club co-owner. The banter between the two of them is often times hilarious, and you would assume is the main comedic gem of the movie. And then there is Catherine Zeta-Jones who is the most over-the-top character of the bunch, but she embraces it and pulls it off. AND AGAIN, so gorgeous. Bryan Cranston, also known as "The One Who Knocks" for all you Breaking Bad fans (and if you aren't a Breaking Bad fan then what the hell is wrong with you?) makes an appearance several times as well. Then we come to ANOTHER ridiculously gorgeous woman, Malin Akerman. I have seen her before, but never really paid her any attention. Let's just say that A) she held her own and B) how do people get this pretty? I'd like to know. And then...then there is Tom Cruise:

Rock star in another life? Chyeah

Tom Cruise absolutely steals the show as the rock-god, Stacee Jaxx. One part Captain Jack Sparrow, a pint of Brett Micheals, a dash of Ozzy Osbourne, and a whole lot of S-E-X and a monkey named Hey-man and you have an absolutely iconic character. It's obvious that Cruise lost himself in this character completely, as he often does, but it is also obvious that he is having fun with it. He bleeds rock and roll, oozes sex appeal, and speaks in riddles, and is entirely captivating in every scene. And his musical performances? I honestly think he could have been just of successful as a real life rock-god as he is an actor. Unfortunately, this means I will not be able to ever watch Mission Impossible the same way again. 

One more Julianne Hough picture. What?
It's my reviews! I do what I want!

So I have gone on and on about the actors...but what about the movie and the music? The movie itself is nothing special technically. The cinematography is average and even the choreography is only good or average. It is pretty well written though, the few times that people are speaking rather than singing. But the music is absolutely perfect. The volume is cranked to 11 and all of these hits that we know and love are performed extremely well. Some songs are even sang together, which for me, were the highlights of the movie performances. Particularly, Zeta-Jones' "We're Not Gonna Take It" vs. Russel Brand's "We Built This City". They are just all really well done.


My only issue with the movie is that it is too long. And when a movie is too long, I often look back at things that they could have cut out. With Rock of Ages, the answer is simple: less songs and less Mary J. Blige. Mary does a good job in here, but there were times where she would start singing, and I would just ask, "Why are you singing right now?". And it wasn't just her (although I feel like she was the most useless to the entirety of the plot). There are probably about 5 too many songs in the movie if I was to put a number on it. I realize you are trying to change a play into a movie here, but that means you have to cut some stuff out. A musical movie should not be over two hours long.

Rock on, Tom. Rock on.

As I said earlier, Rock of Ages completely surprised me. And I know that the two friends I went with felt the same way. It is a perfect summer movie to go to with your friends, with your girlfriend/boyfriend, with your family, etc. Sit back, relax, have a couple drinks if your movie theater is as cool as mine is, and enjoy. 


Personally, I had a ton of fun and I really am not the biggest fan of this type of music. They are all great songs but I dont actively listen to them. But for anyone who lived this time period, or who adores this music, I can pretty much assure you that you wont be disappointed at all, despite what the critics say. It seems to me that they stopped believing in Rock N` Roll. But to my readers out there *cue cheesy ending line*:


Don't stop believing. Hold on to that feeling. 


Pros:

• The soundtrack is phenomenal. All of the performances are fantastic and the mash-ups are even better. I got chills several times
• The campy-ness of the film is what makes it special. It's what makes it so damn funny at times
• The cast. Through and through, no one disappoints
• Julianne Hough. Seriously so beautiful that my heart hurts. And so talented. She is definitely going places (hopefully down the aisle with me?)
• Malin Akerman. Once again, so beautiful that my heart hurts. If a deaf male went to this movie, he would certainly still enjoy it
• Tom Cruise. The man does it again. Say what you want about him, but when it comes to acting, the guy is one of the most talented people there is. Tom Cruise IS Stacee Jaxx
• The story works because of the good chemistry of the cast. Cruise's search for a purpose is the most dramatic part
• Did I mention Julianne Hough and Malin Akerman? Oh I did? Darn. I was hoping I could gush about them some more...

Cons:

• About a half hour too long. Mary J. Blige's plotline/songs are mostly unnecessary and were my least favorite parts of the movie although there are a couple good numbers
• Some of the camera shots are poorly chosen. I couldnt tell exactly what was going on or it was awkwardly zoomed in for some reason. Not a big problem, I just noticed it
• The fact that they cut Julianne Hough's strip tease with Stacee Jaxx out of the movie! Director's Cut, here I come!

Rath's Review Score: 9.5/10

I would like to take this time to please urge my followers to continue reading on:

As you may know, Andy Whitfield, star of the Starz series, Spartacus, lost his life to non-Hodgkins lymphoma almost a year ago. He was a remarkably fit and young guy with a loving wife and daughter. He passed away in his wife's arms in Sydney, Australia. As an actor he was phenomenal, but as a person he was even better. I urge you to please watch the video below and if you feel compelled to do so, donate to the cause. I often dont donate money mostly because I am a poor college student but for some reason, Andy's death struck me pretty hard. I dont know if it's because I watched and loved Spartacus, or if it was because he was an engineer as well, or if it was just something I felt, but it affected me and I want to be able to see this documentary. Therefore, I donated. Please, if the video moves you to do so, donate as well. Thank you.