The Bling Ring

Now, I know what you are all thinking:

"Didn't this movie come out when you were already doing your reviews? Aren't Retro Rath's Reviews supposed to be for older movies?"

To clarify, Retro Rath's Reviews are for any movie that I did not see during its theatrical release. I'm very anal and I like to keep the homepage clean and in chronological order. Retro Reviews allow me to see/review whatever movie I please in whatever order I please!

And I bet you're also wondering:

"Jordan, did you only watch this movie because it has Emma Watson in it?"

And the answer to that is of course:

Absolutely.

And at the end of the day? She is really the only reason I kept watching either. That's not to say that the movie is bad, I am just not even remotely close to it's intended audience. What with its discussions of Pradas and Guccis and Meu-Meu (spelling?...never mind I don't care) and the incredibly vapid sense of lifestyle that these stars lead to have this much...stuff? Nope. It's s**t. I'm calling it like it is.

New pajamas Hermione? I can dig it

Yep. She's totally thinking about me in this one ^^

In case you didn't know, The Bling Ring is based on the real life story of a group of high school kids who figured out which Hollywood starlets were stupid enough to leave their incredible mansions unlocked while they were away on vacations/events. These include Paris Hilton (no surprise), Lindsay Lohan (no surprise), Audrina Patridge (again no surprise), and Miranda Kerr (disappointing, but again, no surprise). This group would sneak into the houses with no resistance, and steal a ton of the aforementioned s**t from these starlets. I'm not sure what disgusted me more. The insane amount of clothes/jewelry/accessories that the rich and famous have or the fact that these girls (and one guy) were under the impression that it was theirs for the taking. It's a movie that you will be shaking your head in disgust at unless you are one of the non-modest/humble 1%, which in that case, I hate you. The story, while intriguing, is not my cup of tea, and honestly its not fit for a movie length feature. The Bling Ring is only 90 minutes long and even then it seems like the movie is stretching with scene after scene after scene of this group trying on clothes and acting like spoiled brats in the mansions of persons who are even more spoiled than they are. The striking thing is that you realize the amount that you dislike these characters is a huge testament to the acting prowess of the cast. They all play scummy wanna-be starlets near-perfectly and you start to hate their guts. Even Emma, the world's dear, sweet Hermione, is so shallow and annoying that I started to hate her. In real life, I'm sure Watson had a grand old time trying to replicate the ditsy bimbo accent and between that and her character being homeschooled in her pajamas with a daily lesson of "Why is Angelina Jolie a good person?" I started to look at my soul-ma -- er, I mean, favorite actress in a whole different light.

It would be pretty hard for Sofia Coppola to make a bad movie, and she certainly doesn't here. Although I don't think it's her best either. I reiterate the fact that the story is stretched in order to hit the 90 minute run time and behind the scenes there is hardly any character development, which is kind of what you look for in a movie like this. Why are these characters doing this? Where is the high school drama? It really just turns into a movie showing off how much these kids got away with. But it does have a pretty impressive script and it is shot gorgeously, with many camera angle decisions giving you a subtle nod towards how easy it would actually be to steal some famous person's stuff with them not there. I also really enjoyed the soundtrack and it had some unique choices that I thought fit well for the film.

I can't. I...just...I die. Every time I see this, I die.
Marry me, Emma?

The Bling Ring is definitely not a film for straight, 23-year old males except for the fact that it has Emma Watson in it. Half the time I didn't know why the hell a certain article of clothing was so "OMG NO WAY" impressive. Hell, I shop at Kohl's guys.

Either way though, it's a pretty interesting, short film that is well made on several different levels. I'm sure girls will get far more out of it than guys will, but you could certainly do worse.

If anything, it will make you appreciate that you have never dated a girl as expensive as these ones.

CONS:

• Since it's my site, it's my opinions. In my opinion, the story is lacking. It's about rich kids who stole from the rich and got caught. Not much else to be said
• Even at 90 minutes, it seemed to be turning its wheels in some scenes. How many times do we need to watch them go to Paris Hilton's house?
• Personally, not even in my realm of interest for a movie choice

PROS:

• Emma Watson. (Did you expect anything different for the first bullet point?)
• Some great cinematography that actually tends to assist the story in proving its point. Pretty cool I thought
• Great soundtrack with unique choices that work
• A good script. Lacks character development but gets the point across quickly that these girls (and one guy) suck
• This cast does a strong job at acting terrible and by the end we really don't like any of them
• Despite the related CON, a 90 minute movie is a 90 minute movie. Sometimes I like em short and sweet
• Emma Watson (Did you expect anything less for the last bullet point?)

Retro Rath's Review Score: 6.5/10